AM I BEAUTIFUL?

What if I am beautiful?  Not just my inner self, but my outer self as well?  How will that change my perspective of myself?  Will I allow the world to define my beauty?  Will I finally believe others when they say I am beautiful?  Will the Lord speak truth into my life?

For all my life, I have looked at other women and compared them to me.  What do I define as outer beauty?  Long hair that is wavy and luxurious, for one.  Color of hair doesn’t really matter to me.  I have wavy hair, but it is frizzy and unruly.  A slender body that is free from stretch marks and free of fat.  My body is not slender in the least.  I could lose more weight than I have been.  And I will most likely never be slender.  My body is not that type.  It is big boned and more prone to excess weight.  Eyebrows that is full and even.  My eyebrows are missing hairs, I believe.  They are full, but very uneven.  Skin that is smooth and free of any kind of blemishes.  I have moles on my arms, especially in the summer.  And my cheeks stay red constantly.  And I have stretch marks from my constant losing and gaining weight.  Full lips and perfect white teeth.  My lips are full, especially my bottom one.  My teeth are stained and in horrible shape.  Plus they are crooked.  No, I don't believe that I am beautiful.

Some people have called me beautiful.  Especially my future husband.  He calls me beautiful very often.  And it hurts him when I don’t believe him.  Yet my definition of beauty has been so in grown in me that I cannot perceive why he sees me as beautiful.   They say that love is blind, and maybe that is true for him.  Yet he has been calling me beautiful since we first began talking online.  Surely if he didn’t think I was beautiful, he wouldn’t have sent me a message.  I simply cannot see what he sees.  To me, I have a lot of physical blemishes that makes me feel unattractive and ugly.  The most I will go is pretty.  But I don’t feel pretty when I have so much excess weight.  My weight is defining how I see myself.  Should I believe my future husband when he calls me beautiful?

Is it the world’s label that makes me believe that I am not beautiful?  The world labels outward beauty.  You have to be a size 0, have long hairless legs, have gorgeous hair, and have no imperfections at all.  The world looks at weight.  The more you weigh the less beautiful you are.  What if the world is wrong?  What if it doesn’t matter about the pounds you need to lose or not lose?  If the world is wrong, then what defines beauty?  Should I believe the world?

I long to feel beautiful.  I am not the kind of woman that spends excess amounts of money on makeup and beauty treatments.  For one, I don’t have the money.  Even if I did, I wouldn’t be spending it on makeup and beauty treatments.  There are better things to spend money on.  Maybe beauty is an inner thing, not an outer thing.  Maybe it doesn’t matter what I wear or what I weigh.

For so long I have been labeled as fat, ugly, and disgusting.  Kids in school were the first ones to label me as such.  And the abuse I suffered through didn’t help matters any.  Every time I was abused, I felt dirty, disgusting, and ashamed.  The kids only hammered in the truth.  Looking back, I wonder what was wrong with me.  Or maybe what was right?  What caused my abusers to abuse me?  I know it wasn’t my fault.  I was just a child, and adults are supposed to protect you.  Yet, what did they see in me that they didn’t see in someone else?  Did they see my beauty and wanted to destroy it?  Or did they see something else?  I don’t blame the kids for making fun of me and calling me names.  They were children; they didn’t know any better.  And they were being taught themselves what beauty is labeled as, just as I was being taught to hate myself and to consider myself as ugly. 

Years of believing I am ugly makes it hard to change.  And the fact that I consider myself as pretty is a huge step for me.  It didn’t come easily, but through years of constant doubt, struggles, and ultimately healing.  Would I say I am attractive?  No, I would not.  Yet my future husband insists that I am very attractive, especially to him.  Is he right?  Am I wrong?  Or is he wrong, and I am right?  Should I believe him?  Or should I believe myself?

The Lord calls me a precious jewel.  The word precious has a very special significance to me.  The first time I was called precious was in prayer, and the Lord softly told me I was precious to Him.  The first time a person called me precious was in church when an elderly woman called me “Precious”. 

God calls me a precious jewel.  Yet does He call me beautiful?  When I think of a precious jewel, my thoughts immediately turn to a rare and beautiful stone.  The jewel is beautiful in darkness and in light, but its beauty really shines through in the light.  Is God trying to tell me I am beautiful by calling me His precious jewel?  Is He telling me that my beauty reflects even in the midst of darkness?  Is He lying?  Or is He blinded by love?  God is truth.  Do I dare call Him a liar?  If He is lying about my being beautiful, maybe He is lying about everything else.  If I believe He is lying, I need to reconsider everything I spiritually know.  No, God is honest.  Is He telling me that I am beautiful?  If He calls me beautiful, then should I believe it?  Should I believe Him?

Maybe beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder.  Maybe beauty isn’t in the eyes of the world.  Maybe beauty is in the eyes of the Lord God.  And if He calls me beautiful, maybe I should believe Him.

MY REBEKAH STORY

Rebekah was a young woman who left everything to marry a man she hadn't met.  Abraham sent his most trusted servant to his hometown in search of a wife for his son, Isaac.  Rebekah was given a choice, and she chose to follow the Lord's prompting and marry her cousin, who was a complete stranger to her.  She must have had a lot of faith and trust in the Lord to move to a new country and to live with strangers.  I'm sure she had lots of questions on her way to marry Isaac.  What was her future husband like?  Would he be kind to her?  How would he provide for her?  Would they have lots of children, or no children at all?  What did he look like?  Was he handsome or ugly?  Many, many questions must have flooded her mind.  I wonder if doubts swirled around her head, whether this was from God or not.  And I am sure if doubts did enter her mind, the Lord reassured her.  And she ended up marrying Isaac and having Esau and Jacob.  These two boys later became two countries, Edom and Israel.

Today I am Rebekah.  I am marrying a man I met online.  He lives in another state.  I haven't met him, at least not for another two weeks.  We talk on the phone all the time, and we chat online a good bit of our free time.  And we have video chatted.  So I know he is real.  He knows I am real.  To everyone I know and love, what we are doing makes no sense at all.  Common sense would tell us to wait to marry until we meet and then decide.  Common sense would tell us to wait at least a year to get married, like normal people.  Common sense would say to have both of us meet the other's family.  And most of all, common sense would be screaming at us that one of us should have a job and a place to live before marriage.

Yet, at this time in my life, I am making a flying leap of faith.  Just like Rebekah.  I don't know what is going to happen when I land.  Yet, the Lord has called me to live a life of faith.  And sometimes, that faith makes no sense to others.  It doesn't even make sense to me.  For to marry a man I've never met is so out of character for me.  To do it the way we are doing it is not like me at all.  I like to have a plan and the details.  When, where, how, why, and what for all scream in my head to be answered before I commit to it.  I don't have all the answers this time.  Every time I bring my concerns to the Lord, He reassures me that everything is working out.

He truly is working everything out.  The time we chose is the right time, though everyone says it's not.  We are putting the Lord first, and He is telling us that the date we chose is right.  Yes, I will be coming back home until everything else works out for me to move there.  Yet, I know that the Lord will work everything out.  He has so far.  One thing He has blessed me with is finances.  I am no longer concerned how I'm going to pay to  move there.  He has provided for me.  How He has increased my finances during this time of only working part time, I have no idea.  But He has always provided for me.  And He will continue to provide for me even after I am married and living with my husband.  I am no longer concerned about it.  I have put it all in His hands.

Everything I am doing, marrying a man I haven't met and planning on moving to his state in the near future, I am doing strictly by faith.  For if I sit down and consider everything, I will back out.  The right time will never come, even though He is screaming at me that it has come.  

The Lord reminds me every day that I am Rebekah.  I am traveling to another state to marry a man I've never met.  And one day, I will pack everything I own and move to my husband's state.  I am not to be concerned with the details.  He is working everything out.  I am seeing it every day, and I am feeling His presence in everything.  I am in constant prayer and in constant communication with Him.

I am facing a cliff, and very soon, I will be jumping off of it and flying into the unknown.  

To make everyone feel at ease, or at least that I haven't lost my mind, I will now tell you a little bit about my future husband.  To protect his privacy, I am not revealing his name, nor the state he lives in.  

I was on a free dating website.  I will only say I had to do a lot of weeding out.  One day, I got so frustrated with the responses I was getting that I decided to stop online dating.  I prayed about it and left it up to the Lord.  "Today is the day I am done with online dating," I told God that morning.  "One more bad apple messages me, I'm done.  If You want him to come through this site, then You'd better send him now."  That same day, I got a message from my future husband, though at the time I didn't know it.  When I saw his message, I figured why not give him a chance.  If he turns out to be like all the others, I'm deleting my profile.  His message totally blew me away.  It wasn't the normal message that I was so used to getting.  He told me he read my profile (actually READ it!) and told me everything he liked about it.  And then he told me about his faith in Christ.  Number one priority checked!  We didn't go through the superficial things of getting to know each other.  We went straight to our faith in Christ.  And it was just what I was looking for.  He has met every single one of my criteria for a husband.  He is everything I have ever wanted, and he is everything I need.  He is the Lord's gift to me, and I am His gift to him.

As the time passed, we grew closer every day, and we both knew we were made for each other shortly into our relationship.  We shared a connection that I call is a God connection.  And I have only been able to share that kind of connection with just a few people.  Well, he knew first that I was to be his wife.  It took me a little while longer to be convinced of it myself.  But once I knew he was the one for me, I began to pray for the Lord to bring us together.  And God has impressed upon me that He is working things out, and that it is happening quickly.  I would say marrying six months after our first message online is fast enough.  And I know that once I say "I do" that God is going to work the job and living situation out very soon afterward.

To everyone I know, this wedding is coming as a surprise, but to me and  him, it's not.  We have been planning to get married as soon as we both knew we loved each other.  We were just waiting on the timing.  And I knew from the time I began planning a visit to him that the visit would be a giant leap of faith for me.  Once both of us left the timing to the Lord, the date fell into place.  With both of us trusting the Lord and leaving everything to Him, everything that has happened and is happening is a God-thing.  Only God could have done this.  And He will be glorified in our marriage.  Without a doubt, I know that God is going to do amazing things in our lives.  And I cannot wait to watch it happen.

GOOD FRIDAY

Today is Good Friday.  The day that Jesus died on the cross for my sins.  For your sins.  For the world's sins.  It is a fact that often goes without meaning, without reflection.  May I never lose the heaviness that Jesus, an innocent man and the very Son of God, took my sins upon Him and willingly paid my penalty.  The penalty of death.  For the result of sin is death.  The punishment for sin is death.  Before Jesus came, it was the blood of animals that was shed.  The animals' blood was only temporary, because every sin needed a sacrifice.  Jesus paid the penalty once and for all.  Thank God animals are no longer needed to gain His forgiveness.  But, oh, the pain of knowing that His beloved Son took my punishment!  And every time I sin, Jesus's blood covers me.  No more is He nailed to that cross!  For when He died, He died once and for all.  And now He lives, victorious over death, victorious over evil.

I am joyful today, even though it is a somber day.  Yes, Jesus died on this day.  Yes, I should've been on that cross instead of Him.  I can bow my head or lift my hands and thank Jesus for His sacrifice.  I can praise Him for His willingness to endure temporary pain and suffering to give me a way to eternal life.  And I can be reminded that this life is temporary.  The suffering, the pain, the struggles, the sicknesses, it is all temporary.  I have hope that one day it will all end, and I will be completely healed and free in Heaven.

Good Friday is a way for me to find the way to endure through this life, which sometimes grows harder by the day.  Jesus is not done with me yet.  He is still leading me to His home, and one day, I know that I will run to Him and give Him a great big hug.  All the fears, all the pain, all my struggles will one day end.  And it is to Jesus that I will give the glory and honor to.

Praise God for the promise of eternal life through Jesus' blood and resurrection.

Happy Easter, my friends.  May you always find the joy in every day life.

COMPLETED SALVATION

Completed Salvation

Hebrews 9:27 and 28

And just as it is appointed for people to die once - and after this, judgment- so also the Messiah having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him.

The Second Coming. . . The thought of the Second Coming brings anticipation, joy, and excitement.  I will finally be home, free of sin and free of the consequences of sin.  I will finally be healed.  I will finally be home.  

I believe that you cannot lose your salvation.  The moment you accept Jesus, you are saved. You have a special place in Jesus' family and home. 

I may stray far away from Him, but Jesus always calls me back.  If you have lost your way, Jesus is calling for you to return.  He wants to bring you back into His forgiveness and grace.  His love for you will never end.  Just like eternity; it is constant and never ending.

Salvation doesn't end with the moment you truly believe Jesus is the Son of God and has died for your sins.  Throughout your whole life, Jesus is in the process of saving you.  He is preparing you for eternity.  Every day you walk with Him is one step closer to the completion of your salvation.

The Second Coming brings not only hope and joy but also completion.  The moment He returns our salvation is completed.  His promise of eternity will finally be realized.  We will no longer doubt Him.  We will be welcomed into His home with open arms.

Take a moment to reflect on His Second Coming.  Thank Him for never giving up on you.  Praise Him for His promises of eternal life.  Rejoice in your salvation.

Lord Jesus,  I thank You for Your salvation.  I thank You for the home You are preparing for me.  I ask You to continue Your process of saving me.  Prepare me for eternity.  In Your precious name, Amen.

LIFE IS A STRUGGLE

I have been following the Compassion Bloggers trip in the Dominican Republic.  I have a teen girl, Daneisi, in the D. R.  The stories always make me smile, cry, laugh, and want to sponsor yet another child.  As I read the latest one, I realized that it's been a while since I've written on my own blog.  It's been even longer since I've written a devotion.  I pondered the reason, and it quickly came to me.

I have nothing encouraging to say.  I want my blog and my devotions to be a source of encouragement to others.  Yet, I cannot encourage someone else when I am not encouraged myself.  I am struggling in my own faith right now, and I have nothing positive to say to help someone else.

It's not anyone's fault except my own.  I don't reach out.  It's hard for me to do so.  I struggle with trust and relationships.  My problems with relationships come from my abusive childhood.  I learned quickly that my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my pain, didn't matter.  It's hard to overcome a coping mechanism.  Also, my inability to reach out and confide in others is also due to my brain damage.  I cannot articulate the words that are struggling to get out.  That is why writing has become my outlet.  I can write what I am feeling.

I don't have very good relationships with others.  During times of trouble, like the one I'm experiencing right now, I withdraw from everyone and everything.  I retreat into my own little world.  I feel safer that way.  People have mentioned to me that I am very hard to get to know.  It's true.  I am.  It's not that I don't want a lasting and close relationship.  I very much do, but when you go through life alone, it becomes comfortable.  A close relationship is impossible for me.  At least, it is right now.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past seven months.   One day I'm positive and upbeat.  Today is going to be a good day, when good things will happen.  My joy has returned, even if it is short lived.  The next day the darkness of depression overcomes me.  Why bother fighting for a better life?  Nothing's going to change.  Everything will remain the same.  Why bother trying?  I want to give up the fight.

Yes, I am a Christian, but I am not usually a joyful person.  Especially when hard times hit.  I get depressed quickly, and sometimes it's hard to come out of.  Sometimes, it lasts only a couple weeks.  Other times, it lasts years.  I'm afraid this time, it's lasted seven months, and I am finding no way out of it.  I do want to assure you that I do not have very many suicidal thoughts.  When I do have them, I usually find a way out of them.  Maybe I have clinical depression; I don't know.  It's something I've considered for a while now, but I have limited finances.  And there are more important things to spend my money on than a doctor's visit and medication.  I need food, for one, car and health insurance for another.  By the time my bills are paid, I have no money left even to save.  So my mental and physical health go untreated.  It's been that way my whole adult life. And it will probably continue for the rest of my life.

In April and May, I was on a spiritual high.  I was going where the Lord was leading, I had a good job, I was studying for my associate's degree, I was right where I needed to be.  My dreams seemed to be within reach, and I was excited.

As I adjusted to working in a full time job in a new career (and it's very hard, I assure you!), my joy knew no bounds.  I arrived to work early, ready to start the day, and I found fulfillment in my job.  Everything was going great.  I daily thanked the Lord for the job, for His fulfilled promises, and for His provision.  I couldn't say enough good things about Him.

In July, everything changed.  I lost my job.  To say I was devastated isn't accurate.  As I've mentioned in an earlier post, part of my symptoms of brain damage is the inability to show emotions.  While my employers talked to me and informed me I no longer had a job with them, my emotions shut down.  I admit I was proud of myself for handling the situation as a mature woman.  I didn't cry, didn't scream, didn't plead for another chance.  I accepted it gracefully and calmly.  Inside, though, I was crushed.  I loved the job.  As I crossed the parking lot with a small box of my things, the reality began to hit.  I was now unemployed, with no income.  It took me a good part of the afternoon and the night to sort through all the emotions.  Failure.  Disappointment (this was huge).  Worry (right next to disappointment).  Frustration.  Despair.  Self-loathing.

I did what any normal adult would do.  I immediately sought help from the government and was issued food stamps.  I called my school and got back into career counseling.  It was only to myself that I admitted my self-doubt, my confusion.  Could I really do another position like the one I was fired from?  Was this really where the Lord was leading me?

I spent the next month unemployed and without income.  It felt as if I lost everything, and in a way, I had.  My dreams of being self-sufficient and being a mother crashed.  With the death of my dreams came the depression once again.  Again, I struggled with more and more questions and doubt.

Why struggle so hard when everything gets ripped away from you anyway?  What is the point of pushing forward when I am constantly knocked back to my starting position?  I wasn't ever going to adopt a child; I would never go on a sponsor tour; I would forever be in poverty.  I would always be a failure.  My mother would always be supporting me.  There was no joy in living every day.

My faith hasn't returned to the fire it once was.  I doubt it ever will.  I still believe God is in control.  I still believe everything that has happened has been in His plans for me.  Yet, the darkness has covered my light and my despair has quenched the fire.  I am simply going through the motions of Christianity, with only small bursts of joy and gratitude sprinkled throughout.

Try as I might, I just can't get the fire back.  Even church has become just another part of my week.  I've only been going every other week, to save money on gas.  I watch the sermon online the next week.

Good things have happened, things that I can see God's hand in.  But the lasting gratitude and the praise of every day just isn't there.  Oh, I am grateful for the things that have happened, but my joy only lasts for the day.  The next day, the depression has returned.

One good thing is that I have been working part time.  I have returned to child care out of necessity.  I can quickly find a job in that career, and within a month, I was working again.  However, my hours are not guaranteed, and I am right back to where I was before April; struggling financially and with no end in sight.

Do I see the Lord in this?  Yes, I do.  He is providing me with exactly what I need, when I need it.  Just like always.  Just like He always will.  He is always faithful, and He always will be.  I have no doubt about His faithfulness.

Just this week, I accepted a temporary position that is also part time and will coincide with my schedule at the child care.  I am glad it is temporary, for it is a test to see whether I can regain my confidence, or to seek other educational opportunities.  Perhaps the medical field just isn't for me.  Maybe I should return to child care.  It is a career I know and am comfortable with.  It is something that, though I may not excel in, I am good at.  So why bother trying a new career when it's only going to lead to defeat and failure?  Because something in me wants to fight.  But I can only fight for so long.  Then I give up.  This second chance will prove to me whether I have what it takes to succeed in another career or if I should just seek a degree in early education, a degree that will not pay off monetary.  If I seek this kind of degree, I have to accept the fact that I will forever be in poverty, struggling paycheck by paycheck.

I cannot see the way the Lord is leading me.  Is He still leading me into the medical field?  Or is He leading me back to child care?  The way is not clear anymore.  It is murky and dark.  Even with the confusion and the darkness of depression, I keep putting one foot in front of the other, following the only One who can see the way out.

Even though I have lost my dreams, even though I can see no way out of this darkness and the pit of despair, I will still cling to my Savior, the only One who truly understands the way I am and still loves me with everything in Him.

And maybe one day, the light will return, and I will once again be on fire for the Lord.  Maybe, one day, the joy of living every day will also return.

GOODBYE BLACK FRIDAY

Black Friday is no longer Black Friday.  Gone are the early hours of the morning, the crowded parking lots, the long lines, the excitement bristling in the air as the rush for an item begins.  Gone is the camaraderie of new friends as we search for items together.  Gone is the fun of traveling from store to store.  Gone is the exhaustion of returning home and crashing back into bed for a few more hours.

Instead, the stores are now  open on Thanksgiving.  Early in the evening rather than late at night. Will we one day say goodbye to this holiday and embrace a crazy shopping day that has replaced Black Friday?

I refuse to go shopping on Thanksgiving.  I do not want this day of gratitude to the Lord and a gathering of families to be replaced with a materialistic day.  Thanksgiving is supposed to be a family day, a day when stores are closed and people can enjoy being with their families.  For the past few years, this day has changed into an early Black Friday.

I miss Black Friday.  Yes, this is a materialistic day, but I did not go out to grab the biggest deal.  I went out mainly to enjoy the craziness. And to finish my Christmas shopping, which was usually something within my budget and not at all expensive.   I miss waking up at 3 in the morning and driving at night to find the parking lot almost full of cars that have grown cold.  While in line, someone would strike up a conversation with me, and we would admit how crazy it was to get up so early in the morning for something that is not going to last.  I miss the camaraderie as people wander through the stores.  Several times, I have pointed them in the right direction.  Several times, I have been pointed in the right direction.  The help did not come from the already frazzled store workers, but from other shoppers.

Two years ago, I went out on Black Friday, like usual.  Rather than the crowds and the fun, I was the only one in the store.  The sales had ended, for the store had opened on Thanksgiving.  This year, I am sleeping in.  This year, I am going to enjoy a day off work and be grateful for what I have.

Will you be like me and refuse to go shopping on Thanksgiving?  Let's bring back the joy and fun of Black Friday, rather than shorten our precious family time.  Let's give the retail workers a day where they themselves are able to enjoy a holiday with their families.  Not only are we sacrificing our families for the sake of a sale, but we are also forcing the retail workers to sacrifice themselves.  Is this fair to the workers?  Should we be so greedy that we forget what is truly important, our families?
Let's boycott Thanksgiving shopping.

CHILD OF GOD

CHILD OF GOD

Throughout my years of the Christian life, I have repeatedly heard the phrase, "I am a child of God."  However, what does that phrase mean?  A child of God?  

When I watch children play and interact with each other, I see the joy and the innocence they portray. Young children believe what you tell them, even if it is not true.  Does the childlike belief portray the meaning of a child of God?  I don't believe so.  The Bible tells us to test what we are hearing and seeing.  When we come to the Lord, we begin with a simple faith, a childlike faith.  As we mature (and children mature as well), our faith matures.  We become a teenager and then an adult in the faith.

I think of 'child of God' as being just that.  New parents will call their baby their son or daughter.  Biological and adoptive parents.  That child will always be their child.  When we first believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, God is literally in the hospital room or in the airport (put another place in here), anxiously waiting to see His newest child.  Like all parents, God rejoices over each of His children and celebrates over each rebirth.   Once we become a child of God, we will always be a child of God. 

As any parent, God takes over the responsibility that comes with parenthood.  The frustrations and the joys of watching children grow.  Discipline and patience is needed, and God is no exception.  He teaches His child about Him, about His expectations, and about His grace and love.  Each of us is under His protection, just like a parent protects their child.  Each of us falls under His name.  God takes great pride and joy in each of us.

As a child of God, we can expect acceptance, love, and discipline.  In order to teach us, God has to discipline us.  God takes His role of Father seriously and joyfully.  He will not allow us to wander too far without warning and firm discipline.  When we do wander too far and turn away from Him, God anxiously waits for our return.  When we do return, He embraces us and forgives us.  We are  never too out of reach.

When you sponsor a child through Compassion, you become their second parent, the one they turn to for guidance and love.  We have the blessing of molding a young life, of discipling a child, of showing him/her the greatness of the Lord's love for them.  Will you open your heart and become a parent to a precious child of God?  If you do, please comment below and let me know.

DOUBTING

I realized the other day that my blog is called one woman's faith journey.  How can I share my journey if I don't share everything?  I seem to focus on things that will uplift others rather than sharing everything.  I will share something that I struggle with when things get hard.  Doubt.  Have you ever been there?  No matter how 'mature' I become in the faith, there will be times when I doubt.

A few months ago, I stood before two roads.  I stayed in one place, praying and listening.  When I thought He had answered, I walked onto one road.  I'll choose the road on the right for this story.  At first, everything goes right.  I am confident this road is the correct one, the one the Lord has led me onto.  The path is smooth; the way is clear.  Everything is bright and new.  Life is full of hope and promise.

After a while, though, the path becomes rocky.  This is where I have been for the past few days.  The way is cloudy.  And I wonder if this is truly the correct path.  Doubts linger.  Have I gone ahead of Jesus?  Was I wrong to where He was leading me?

Right now, I am in a new job and a new career.  I have the education but not the training.  I knew this where the Lord wanted me to be.  The feeling grew as I applied for jobs, got a few interviews, and finally accepted a position.  The faith that this was in God's will is starting to fade.  Doubt is creeping in.  What if I was wrong?

Sometimes it is hard to discern God's will.  A choice remains for me.  Do I continue or do I quit?  What if this rough patch is only a test?  Will I give up just because this period of time is rough?

I have to pause and remember everything the Lord has brought me through.  I have to remember His promises, His reassurances.  I have to remember Him.  I  have to seek Him during this time of doubt.  And only, then, will His will become clear and my faith increased once more.

HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY!

Okay, I don't really know the EXACT date that I accepted Christ.  I do know it was in April of 1994.  Today is the day that I celebrate my salvation birthday.  I have since my first year.

I must say, 20 years is a long time to know the Lord.  Yet  it seems as if it is such a short time.  I want to share some of my lessons of knowing Jesus Christ for 20 long/short years!

First, He is faithful, even when I am not.  There have been times when I just didn't think that serving Him was worth it.  I was tempted to walk away.  One time, I nearly did.  These times of wanting to quit Christianity come when I am at my weakest and my most painful days.  It's hard to keep going when you're in so much pain.

His faithfulness is one of the things I love about Him.  Growing up, I was abused, neglected, and abandoned. My mom would leave me and my sister and head off to who knows where.  We were left with our aunt.  My family is not the best role models.  I became the black sheep of the family, not because of anything I had done, but because of the family's rejection of me.  My family favors one sibling over the other.  The favored one becomes the one that is set up on a pedestal.  The rejected one becomes the scapegoat for anything the favored one does.  Thankfully, Jesus favors me.  He doesn't set me up on a pedestal.  Nor does He refrain from disciplining me.  No, His favoritism is just what I have needed throughout my life.  Just because He favors me doesn't mean that He rejects someone else.  His favor surrounds me, just like it surrounds every one who belongs to Him.

Which leads me to the second thing I love about Jesus.  He accepts me for who I am.  I don't have to pretend to be someone else that I'm not.  I don't have to pretend that I have no feelings, that I am immune to people's insults and rejection.  I can run to Him for comfort, just like I have always wanted to do with my own father.  He doesn't try to sugarcoat or explain my hurt.  He wraps His arms around me and holds me close.  When I try to hide my true feelings from Him, He gently reminds me that He is the One who created me.  He knows me, so why try to hide from Him?  So, I let Him  have it all.  My fears, my excitement, my anger, my disappointments, my pain, my joys, and my doubts.  I confide in Him every feeling that comes my way.  Prayer has become one way of my emotional release.  Jesus doesn't rebuke me for having these feelings.  When I am in His presence, He doesn't rebuke me for things I cannot control (like my memory, losing things, and getting my hopes up only to have them crushed).  His acceptance draws me ever nearer to Him.

The third thing that I love about Jesus is His unlimited love.  I don't have to do anything.  I don't have to say anything.  He loves me.  I can hurt Him, if I really wanted to.  I can slander Him and reject Him.  He will still love me.  His love is limitless and complete.  That means that I cannot earn His love.  I cannot make Him stop loving me. I haven't met anyone with so much love.  He loves me unconditionally.  His love draws me closer to Him.

With everything I have been through these past 20 years, I can say with conviction that Jesus is who He says He is.  My heart is ever entwined with His, and I am eternally His.  My faith  has grown to the point where nothing can separate me from Him.  I know His presence, I have felt His love, and I have seen Him work in my life.  I am strictly His, and there will be no other to replace Him.  He owns my life, my heart, my soul, and my mind.  I am deeply in love with Him, and it continues to grow.

CHRISTIAN TOLERANCE

There has been much debate about Christian tolerance and intolerance.  Christian businesses are expected to compromise their beliefs over birth control or other spiritual issues.  Christian charities are beginning to go against the Bible.  Pastors are marrying homosexuals.  Disciplining a pastor for marrying a homosexual couple is headline news.  The list grows every day.  Sin, no matter what it is, is glorified and celebrated in today's culture. To stand against the glorified sin is viewed as intolerant.  Christians are being sued and despised for their view on sin.  Either they are ridiculed and possibly jailed, or they must compromise the Bible truths.

I don't usually get into political views or anything that will cause an outrage.  However, perhaps it is time for me to voice my own thoughts in the hope of giving those Christians who are facing the decision to compromise or to fight the strength they need to continue.  I don't want my blog to become a source of hate and bigotry.  Jesus loves people, and so do I.  I am concerned for others, and I accept others for who they are.

This is my take on these issues.  If it offends you, then my salt is rubbing into a wound that needs to be healed.  Pray that the Lord will open your eyes and allow you to see why my words have offended you.  If it doesn't offend you, good.  My salt has not lost its flavor.  Praise the Lord that He is good!

 The world is more accepting of sinful behaviors (not just homosexuality but also adultery and lying, etc) than it used to be even ten years ago!  The church is also more accepting of sin as well.  And more and more Christians are called intolerant because of our stand against sin.  The Bible says to flee from sin, not embrace it.  We are called to be the light in the world, not add to the darkness.  People are going to HELL, and we are expected to whitewash their sin and ignore it rather than confronting it and praying that they will turn away before it is too late.  If we as a church compromise our stand on sin (no matter what it is), how are we shining our light and showing others the way to the Truth, who is Jesus Christ?  The Bible also says NOT to have anything to do with the sinful BROTHER/SISTER.  It is the unrepentant CHRISTIAN (who says self has a personal relationship with Christ) that we are to deal with, not the unrepentant non-Christian.  We are called to judge those INSIDE the church, not outside.  The homosexual should be accepted into the Christian community, but, very lovingly and firmly, told that choosing that lifestyle is sin.  The same  is true for those unfaithful in their marriage, for those who lie, for those who steal, etc (put in another sin).  IF he/she is not repentant, then follow the Bible's instructions in how to deal with them.  What the Bible says (Paul's letters) depends on whether the person claims to be a Christian or not.

And, another thing. . . The Bible says that good will be called evil, and evil will be called good.  This is just one sign of the many signs that Jesus is about to return.  Even though I am saddened by the state of sin in the world, I am not surprised.   Each sign fulfilled brings us closer to Jesus' promised return.

SPRING FEVER

Okay.  I know.  It's not quite spring time yet.  However, I have a high case of spring fever.  I want to go out for a walk.  I want the children that I work with to be able to go outside.  Trouble is there is still snow on the ground, and it is still very muddy.  Plus, it is still freezing outside, with slightly warmer days giving us hope that winter is ending and spring is coming.  It's still too cold for the children to be outside, for me to go on a half hour walk.
Yesterday, I received a letter from Niphaporn, my beautiful girl in Thailand.  I suddenly had the desire to handwrite a letter to her and to send her some things.  For the past nine months, I have been emailing my Compassion kids response letters.  It saved time, mostly.  And, being in school, I didn't have a lot of time.
I am currently in my last course before I graduate in April.  April 6, to be exact.  I do have an opportunity to pursue my associate's degree.  However, I admit I need a full time job before pursuing that opportunity.  The school has assured me that my associate's degree will only be 5 months, if I want to be considered full time, 8 months if I want to be part time.  I am planning on going for the 5 month one.
I have a strong desire to return to my normal activities before school.  Handwriting my response letters to my kids, keeping up with this blog, getting more involved with church, etc.  I am feeling the stress of learning lift off me.  It is a great feeling.  I now have more time to do the things that I have given up while I was in school. Oh, I am still in school, but the course load is more bearable, and I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Another thing that I am going to continue is writing my devotionals.  I haven't written many since June of last year, and I miss it.  I miss encouraging others in their own walk of faith.
With the arrival of spring, I have a high feeling of expectancy.  The Lord is about to do something wonderful. I will be in a new career, for one.  What else He has in store for me, I do not know.  But I can't wait to find out.
If you're feeling drained, emotionally worn out, or depressed, be encouraged.  Jesus has a great plan for you. You are only in this position for a short time.  Continue to grow your faith, to lean more on Him, to be more aware of His great care for you.  Keep looking to Him to bring an end to your troubles (at least until the next one begins).  He is constantly guiding you onto the path He is on.  Keep following Him.  Keep loving Him.  Keep serving Him.  And, one day, your spring fever will come upon you, and you will know with certainty that Jesus is about to do a wonderful thing in you and for you.

ETC. MEANS. . . A TOILET!

Last year, I sent a huge birthday gift to Anabell, my sponsored child in Honduras.  She was celebrating her quinceanera.  For those who don't know, a quinceanera (I hope I spelled it right) is the girl's fifteenth birthday in most Central and South America countries.  It is a passing from childhood into adulthood.  It's kind of like the 16th birthday in America, but on a much bigger scale.

I wanted to provide Anabell a birthday celebration.  It was the only thing I could pray for, think of, and prepare for.  For an entire year, I set aside a certain amount of money every time I got paid.  At the end of the year, I was able to send the gift to her.  So determined was I that she celebrate her birthday in the tradition of her culture that I specified the gift be used for her quinceanera.  Compassion told me they would do their best to ensure the gift be used for it, but they couldn't promise me.
 
Once I sent the gift, I finally yielded it to the Lord.  Even though I wanted Anabell to receive a birthday party, I contented myself with the fact that it might be used for something else.

A few months ago, I received a letter from Anabell.  It also included a picture.  I was thrilled when I saw the picture.  It is the first one I have of her smile!  I am still pretty excited about it.  However, whenever I look at her picture, I laugh.  Or, on an extremely bad day, I will at least smile.  Why?  It is what she wrote and what the picture told me.

I wish I had a scanner, for I would post the  picture.  Maybe one day, I will.  For now, I will describe it to the best of my ability.

Her letter stated, "Thank you for the gift you sent me.  I bought 3 pants, 4 shirts, 3 shoes, ETC."  How like a teenage girl to list clothes!
 
Then I studied the picture and had to reread the letter again.  Anabell had a bright pink shirt on and dark pants with black shoes (loafers or dress shoes, I can't tell).  She is smiling softly while holding the rest of her clothes. Anabell is standing in front of huge dirt pile.  My precious teenage girl is standing beside a brand new, white toilet.  The toilet still has the white plastic over its lid.  Beside the toilet is a cardboard box filled with a white trashcan and white toilet bowl brush and holder.  Maybe she, her mother, and twin sister likes to color coordinate?
  
Have I mentioned that I would love to meet this girl?  Her letters always make me laugh, and this is no different.  In fact, everytime I hear ETC, I laugh and think about a toilet.

CHANGES FOR ME

Okay, I can't believe it's been a couple months since I blogged.  Of course, Christmas is usually busy and hectic.  And then I have to continue my school work.  I haven't been writing devotionals recently, either.  Though I have attempted one this week.  My school is currently still on Christmas break, and I am catching up on things that I used to do before I began school.  I am still studying, but it is more of a review of what I have learned.  I have to do something school related.  Otherwise, it will be even harder to get back into the routine.
I believe 2014 is going to be the year of change for me.  I graduate April 6.  It is just getting to be a reality for me.  Can I help it if I am getting excited and am counting down the months?  The great thing about the school is that they help with career placement.  I think I am more excited about going through that than I am about graduating!
For those who know me personally know that I work with children.  These past few months have really been hard financially, as I am now part time.  However, I am not complaining, because I am devoting more time for school.  Jesus has His hand on my life, and I am depending on Him for my every need.
I have been in day care for 13 years this month (January).  That is a long time to devote my life to one career.  I love children.  I always have. Children are precious and fun and so much joy.  However, for the past few years, I have felt my passion for child care waning.  I knew that the Lord was calling me to something else.  I just didn't know what.
Then the online school happened one day when I was off sick.  I was applying for jobs, and clicked the box that said I'd be interested in career training and educational opportunities.  The school called a few minutes later.  It all happened so quickly, but I have felt the Lord's hand in it every single moment.  I prayed about it as the guy was talking.  My words?  "Lord, I need an answer.  NOW, please!  Because everything in me wants to do this!"  The more I learned about the school, the more I felt the Lord.  He wanted me in school, and He wanted me in this one.
I know the time in day care is coming to a close.  I am relieved, but I am also sad.  I will miss the children.  My last day will be with great sadness but also with great joy and excitement.  I am sure that I will be crying the whole time.  Not because I don't want to leave, but because the grieving will come.  I will be saying goodbye to a career that I have enjoyed and loved for so many years.
I am fearful that just maybe, I won't be able to find a job and that the time with the career placement will come to a close.  The part time is only until the end of the school year, and I may not be working through the summer.  If I allow it, the fear will conquer me and paralyze me.  I will most likely suffer a panic attack.  When I feel anxious about the future, I have to remind myself Who is in control of my life.  It's not me!  If it was, I'd be accepting the first job that came along.  Jesus has never once left me in need, and He will continue to provide for me.  When I stop to remember that Jesus has my back, and I seek His presence, then I am filled with peace and joy once again.
I know I have said it before, but I will say it again.  My time with the kids is ending quickly.  I am excited about this new stage in my life.  For one, I will be moving.  Second, I will be going through the process of adopting a child through the Foster to Adopt program.  God will not let me alone about adoption.  I know He has the perfect son or daughter for me.  Have I mentioned that I would like a son first, and then a daughter?  The Lord has promised me a child, and I know He will fulfill His promises.  In fact, every day, I am more convinced that He is about to move. Even if I don't adopt a child right after I get approved, at least I will be ready.  God has prepared me for this next move, and He will continue to work in my life now, tomorrow, and in the future.

If I may ask, please pray for me.  I need all the prayer that I can get.  I need His guidance and His peace.

SO BEHIND!

I used to be so good at keeping up with writing to my kids.  Now, since I've been in school, I just don't have much time to respond to letters.  I am finding that emailing a response is much quicker than hand writing a letter.  I hope my kids understand why I am so late in writing to them, and that they are not disappointed with finding no little goodies in the envelope.  It's been a couple weeks, and I now have six letters to respond to.
I also am having a hard time emailing them once a month.  I can't believe it'll be almost December, and I still don't have anything to write about.  Maybe I should take a break from writing them, but then, I feel guilty about missing a month.  And I just can't miss a month.  I keep seeing Kajal's words in my mind; "I look forward to your letters every month."  I can't disappoint them.  I may delay responding to their letters, but I have to keep my monthly letters.  Here are just a few highlights from the letters that I have to respond to:

Guian Carlos in Peru:  I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 13.  I tell you that at Christmas time I decorate my house and I also set up a Christmas tree and I listen to Christmas carols.

Praise God that he is a Christian!  His Christmas traditions sound a lot like America's, doesn't it?

Kajal in Bangladesh: When I am sick our teachers and madam take me to doctor for treatment.

I am so glad that Compassion takes such good care of our children!

Samuel in Kenya: Samuel says that he loves Jesus and he asks whether you love Him too?  He says he prays all the time for you.

Another one who loves Jesus!  I just love it!

Peace in Rwanda:  I love you so much and am happy with you.

Aw!  So sweet!  She is definitely beginning to open up.

Mickelene in Haiti; I sing very often in a group that is called United Hearts.  I don't sing in solo.  Do you used to sing in a group as well?

I'm glad she is active in her church.  People would not pay to hear me sing;  in fact, they would pay NOT to hear me sing!  Sorry, Mickelene!

CARLOS' FRIENDS

I always enjoy learning about my kids' lives, families, and friends.  Carlos, the cutest little boy in El Salvador, wrote me a letter telling me about his friends.

Who is your best friend?  Kevin and Lucas

How old is your best friend?  7 and 8 years old

For how long do you know your best friend?  3 years (about the same amount of time that I have been writing to him)

Where did you meet your best friend?  My school

What grade is your best friend in?  2nd

What do you like to play with your best friend?  Play tag

Who does your best friend live with?  Mother and Father

Hi, I'm very happy to write to you, I play soccer at the CDI, I'm now able to add the numbers.  My best friends' names are Kevin and Lucas, they live with their mom.  I always ask for all your prayers and your letters.  God bless you and take good care of yourself.  Your friend that loves you very much, Carlos.

Carlos drew me a very cute picture of his friend/s playing soccer.  I'm not sure if the two boys are him and a friend, or if they are both of his friends.

I TOLD MY KIDS ABOUT MY BRAIN DAMAGE

A while ago, I wrote to my children about my brain damage and the effects it has on me.  I am just now receiving letters talking about that very letter.  The sweetest one I received last month from Daneisi, my newest correspondent in the Dominican Republic.  It was also my first letter from her.  Yesterday, I received a letter from Anabell, my now 15 year-old girl in Honduras.

Here is what is Daneisi's letter:

God bless you more!  How are you and your family?  As you have told me in the letters about your disabilities buy you know, sometimes I think really big is happening to me when as a fact is something very simple.  You know, I want to let you know that I am very happy that even with your disabilities you have such beautiful thinking, and you know, it does not matter what you might have, the Lord has allowed it and has given you the opportunity to be alive because He has something wonderful for you and He wants you to keep getting your goals.  I am sure God has much hope in you.  I thank you very much for trusting me and telling me about your life.  Here it is already summer and it is very hot, in a couple days I am going to the river, and i want to send you some pictures of the place as you told me you like the sea and the rivers and I want you to see some places of my country.  I will be praying for your health.  God bless you!

This still makes me cry.  I think she and I are going to be very close.  And this is just her first letter!  I haven't felt like this since I lost Fadeline (from Haiti, she left the project and wrote the longest, most informative letters) and Anongnard (from Thailand, her letters always made me smile, she even drew me a picture of a mouse on a birthday cake for my birthday; her project closed).  Those losses hurt me much worse than any of the others.  I had a special relationship with both girls.  And Daniesi is a gift from God (they all are, but this one especially).  Every time someone posted on here about Compassion needing more correspondents, I would always sign up for one more.  Each time, I prayed for a girl.  Each time, I got a boy.  Until Daniesi.  When I saw her, I knew she was the one I was praying for.  And, strangely, I have no desire to add any more.  I wonder if my family is complete.

Okay, onto Anabell's letter (have I mentioned I love this girl?):

Hello, appreciable sponsor (love that, by the way!)

I'm very happy to write you.  I have received all your letters and gifts that you have sent me and I like them very much. Thank you for being such a special friend.  I'm fine and I keep working very hard in my studies.  My family is also well and happy.  I think that Christmas is a very special time to share with the family and that is what we do.  Early in July I had a week off from school and I spent time with my mom because I only live with her and my sister. I didn't meet my father. I like to attend church because I learn many nice things and I also share with my friends.  I have never seen the snow, but I hope that one day I will be able to watch fall in the United States.  I have heard from your country and it is a developed country with big cities and that it is very pretty, maybe you want to tell me more about it.  I will pray for you.  I think of not as a disabled person but as somebody with special abilities.  I imagine that it must be difficult everything you are going through, but if God has not left you until now, I'm sure that He never will.  I hope that you pray for me and my country.  Honduras is a beautiful country but with lots of problems and only God can set us free.  Give my regards to your family.

Oh, my goodness, I just love that girl!  Just like Daneisi, Anabell and I have a special connection. I was meant to be her sponsor. 

STRUGGLING TO ENDURE

STRUGGLING TO ENDURE

Philippians 3:14

I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

I do not have endurance.  When things get too hard, I tend to quit.  However, God is building endurance in me.  I have learned to endure through financial struggles, emotional healing, and through physical pain.  I must develop endurance to survive this life.

One of the hardest things to do is returning to school as an adult.  During this time of my life, I am sometimes tempted to give up.  I simply cannot succeed in school.  At least, not by my standards.  My grades prove otherwise.  However, I am committed to finishing it.

I keep in mind my goal, that this is what the Lord has called me to do.  I want to be in His will.  He is guiding me, and He will continue to sustain me.  Everything He has promised will one day (pretty soon I hope) come true.

I am going where He leads me.  And, one day, I will gain the prize that the Lord has promised me.

Are there times you feel like giving up?  Keep your eyes on the prize, the promise Jesus has given you.

Lord, sometimes I feel like giving up.  Sometimes, it is just too hard to continue.  Lord, fill me with Your assurance.  Lead me and sustain me.  In Your  name, Amen

A LETTER FROM USANASE

Usanase is a new correspondent. He lives in Rwanda.  He will be 16 in November.  Usanase, who I call Fil (his last name is Fils), was assigned to me about a year ago.  This is the fourth or fifth letter that I have received from him.

His letter:

To my parent that I love so much and I wish the love of God to be with you.  I'm fine.  We have now started third term that ends the year.  I study in Senior two, in o'level (not sure what this means).  I like playing piano and guitar.  I received Christ as my Savior on 14/07/2012 (months before I was assigned to him).  How is you and your family?  I wish to see you face to face.  May you send me your photo.  Thank you!  May God bless you.  I thank you first for the letter you sent to me and we have continued to pray for you on the problems that you had and happy for the marks that you got (I've been keeping my kids up to date on my grades in school), it will give you a good job.  Psalms 97:10 and Jeremiah 31:10.  I love these verses so much.

I THINK I TALKED ABOUT FORGIVENESS

I heard from Guian Carlos, my sponsored boy in Peru.  He's not really a boy, as he is now 16 years old.  This is the second letter I have received talking about forgiveness.  Hmm. . .  Did I send a letter about forgiveness?  I don't remember.  I don't keep a copy of every letter that I write.  I must have talked about forgiving those who hurt you.  FYI - for things to write to your teen/young adult about, try spiritual issues, like forgiveness, mercy.  Talk about things that have affected you and what you learned during the experiences.  These are the subjects that I am receiving the most responses.

GUIAN CARLOS' LETTER

I greet you in the name of our lovely Jesus Christ.  I want to tell you that my family and I are fine.  I like the photo of the cute rooster and the cat.  Well, since I had the call of God I have happy life.  The last thing I did for God was to forgive my worst enemy.  I would like to be a police officer because I would like to stop crimes in my country.  Well, I have to close.  My family cannot pay my studies.  It is very expensive.  In electricity, I am learning to make bulbs.  I share soda in a company called "Kola Real".  I would like to work in an electricity company.  Would you like to come to Peru?  If you come, what places would you like to know?  Would you forgive people who hurt you?  Please pray for my grandma who is sick and for my family.  I say goodbye with a big hug.

CARLOS' CHRISTIAN INSTRUCTION

I received a letter from Carlos, my correspondent in El Salvador.  He is eight years old, and just recently started writing his letters by himself.  I have dubbed him the Cutest Little Boy in El Salvador.  I think you will agree.


One thing I like about Compassion is that they teach Jesus to the children.  I know when my children go to the project, they are receiving Christian teaching.

Here is his letter:

I learn about God at my home, at my project, and at my church.
What I have learned about Jesus and I like the most is He loves me and saves me, He heals me.
When I pray to Jesus I do it for my sponsor, my project, my friends, and my family.
My favorite Bible story is David.
My favorite verse is Joshua 9:9.
What is your favorite song to sing at the project?  The Toad.
What is your favorite character from the Bible?  David.

He drew me a picture of Moses and the parting of the Red Sea.

Hello, dear sponsor, I greet you with affection.  I wanted to thank you for your letters.  I loved the stickers, I showed them to my friends and the bookmark you sent, and it's in my Bible.  thank you alot.  My family is doing well, and they send their regards.  How is your family?  I ask you to keep praying for me.  I pray for you as well.  In the project, they teach me about the creation, and I like the story of Moses.  I hope to hear from you soon.  I love you a lot.  Carlos.